I always put everyone else first, my kids, my husband... I'll choose to go without the things I need, to give them what they want. I'm not complaining.. I choose it. 2012 however has been different, I have thrown myself a party, spent money on myself things for this journey, and haven't felt selfish doing so. My hubby and kids are happy that I am getting healthier, so they haven't minded what-so-ever and no one has gone without. It's just a really strange concept to me.. Putting myself first.
I don't know why, but I have always been this way.
My school reports would say, quiet, reliable, capable... could contribute more to group discussions.
I was the kid in the class who whispered the witty one-liner, and the cool kid repeated it loud and proud and got all the glory.. and that was ok.
A painfully shy kid - I mean too scared to ask the teacher if i could go to the loo, so I would hold on and risk total humiliation if I couldn't - the shyness has stayed with me to a certain extent.
I'm ok with those who know me, but I am hard to get to know.
I actually believe I am a socio-phobic, as I have panic attacks when going to new places and meeting new people. It's not pretty, and I have to fight it when it happens.
So you'd think with that type of personality, I would want to blend into the wallpaper, have no one notice me... be invisible.
BUT ...deep down I hate being invisible. I hate it when you do as much as everyone else and then be the only one to get forgotten off the thankyou list... and that has happened to me too many times to be a one off freak faux-pas.
Being Fat, means being invisible too. Logic would suggest that the bigger you are the more you are seen, but in fact the opposite is true. Boys don't notice you when you are fat, shop assistants don't offer you service when you are fat, you don't get the job when you are fat ...you're INVISIBLE. So try being shy and fat...
So this is why me blogging is quite an achievement, I am saying "hey look at me".
I am not sure whether it's turning 40, or if it's the weight loss so far, but I have found a new confidence lately, and I almost feel like I am oozing "Look at me"... and I quite like it. i am slowly becoming less invisible.
I saw this little quote the other day in relation to the 12 week challenge:
My friends are starting to notice my weight-loss, I'm getting a quite few "gee you're looking good"s, a guy in the office took a double take because he didn't recognise me at first. Hard for me to get used to, this not being invisible thing, but I intend to get very used to it, because this is only the beginning.It takes 4 weeks for you to notice your body changing,8 weeks for your friends to notice, and12 weeks for the rest of the world to noticeGIVE IT 12 WEEKS. DON'T QUIT.
However word of warning friends and workmates. I am in this for the long haul, I'm fabulous and forty now, and there is no looking back, and there is no stopping me now.
I apologise in advance for the amount of times you will hear me saying "no I can't eat that", "no sorry I can't, I have my zumba class on Friday night", "How many calories does that have" etc etc. You will get sick of me telling you my weigh ins, and my calorie intake.... I'm sorry but this is me now, and as you will soon learn... It's all about me.
Oh and while we are talking about me - I just burned 578 calories at Zumba tonight!!