Saturday, June 30, 2012

Zero to 10km in 6months

Who remembers about 6 months ago when I posted a little commitment video on my blog, promising a certain Mrs Cass Thurston that I would run a 10km fun run. I meant it, but I didn't believe it, and today I did it.

Here is Video of the proof!

I like the fact that this race was on June 30, the last day of the first half of 2012. Because it was on the first day of 2012 that this journey started, and I am pretty damn proud of myself for going from being able to run zilch, to 10km in 6 months... imagine where I could be in another 6, or this time next year.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012


So, some of you may remember a wee post I did the other day when I wrote a letter to my inner child.  I thought she was hurt, and scared, and acting out... and I was determined to get to the bottom of why she acted out with Food, and what I could do to help her... I thought we'd come to an understanding. Well since then, ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE. 
I'm talking no exercise, bulk chocolate & lollies, and even Pizza... HOLY CRAP!

I was just in the shower, berating myself for letting this happen again.. and BAM! out of nowhere it hit me. It wasn't her after all... it was me.

You know as a child, and any of you who are Mum's will know even better, than when a child is hurt, scared, tired, ratty.. we try to soothe them. The crying or screaming sounds are painful to us, we don't want to hear it, so we ssshh, and rock, and sing... and when they don't stop, we revert to treats.

Yes Folks, it dawned on me that it is not my inner child craving th chocolate, or even wanting the chocolate. My inner child in calling out, crying, screaming for me to hear her, and I find it uncomfortable so I shove a pile of junk food down her throat in hopes it will quiet her down for a while, because I DON'T WANNA LISTEN.

What is it that I don't wanna hear? What is it that I don't want to face, or take ownership for? She is stuck in time warp where she believes the things she heard as a child.  Let me make this clear right off the bat, I am not about to start bashing my parents for anything they may have said or did when I was growing up. This is not their doing. 
I developed my own beliefs, and my own self worth, from my own perception of what I saw around me.  I will say that there are a few people that over my childhood (and I'm counting up to the age of 18) that definitely skewed my take on the world, and I somehow let them convince me that I was not worthy of the life that I dreamed off.... and she still believes it.  I still believe it.

I have to convince this little girl that this body she was given is worth respecting. That her mind has got the capability to take her anywhere, and she is loveable no matter what.  Everyone makes mistakes, and it's how you rise from them that determines how far you go. 

So, we are making progress. I now need to recognise when I want to scoff a bag of Jelly snakes, that it is not the Snakes that I want, its that she is having an emotion, and expressing something that I don't want to hear or acknowledge - and I need to take time everyday to listen to her.

I am a bit scared of what she is going to say. I mean it's easier to blame so and so from when I was 14, than it is to acknowledge my own part in the whole thing. 

Ok, so now here is the hard bit. The actual putting it out there. Please don't judge me (Wooooah as I wrote that I realised that THAT IS what I am afraid of - being judged). Ok here goes.... What I (we) really believe is that if I reach my goal weight, If I get thin, If I get sexy ... I will get unwanted attention, the kind of attention I got in the past, the kind that leads to trouble.  You can read between the lines. Maybe soon I will be brave enough to actually say it, to type the words that I have never ever been able to write or speak before.

The thing is I have something now that I didn't have before. I have a husband who loves me for who I am. He's loved me thin, He's loved me fat. He loves me when I'm crazy, he loves me when I'm so stressed that I bitch at him constantly (maybe not so much then). He saw the real me, and found something lovable about it. Maybe one day he will finally get me to see what that is.

So what started as a quick shower to wash my hair and shave my legs, has resulted in me sitting on the floor of my bedroom, typing frantically with tears rolling down my face. ... I think I may have hit a nerve.

I'll be honest - I am petrified of hitting 'publish' on this one, even more so of 'share'.  I think I will start with the 12WBT girls first, they won't judge. 

Who would have thought that a weight loss challenge could turn you inside out like this, but it reminds me of one of my favourite movie quotes :
 'Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation' eatpraylove

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A Good Deed

Today I ticked another item of my Bucket list.

I have no idea why it took me 40 years to do it, but today I finally donated my blood. 

My workplace organised a pickup from work in the Blood Donor Van, and my Workmate Melissa (another first timer) and I went off to do our good deed on Works time.

The ladies were lovely, and made us feel at ease, 500mls of the Red Stuff later  and we were treated to pastries, milkshakes, cheese & crackers, lollies.. before I thought...oh crap the calories.
And I got told not to do any strenuous activity for 24 hours, and I realised I would have to miss my Zumba class tonight! 
Hmmm not the best behaviour the day before weigh in (again) but at least this time I can feel pleased that today I did something good.
I saved lives today.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

My Nemesis ... Is it the Frog? or Me?

Well, I have not had a great week... Outwardly, I am blaming a new nemesis, a certain little green frog, who has been calling my name for the past week. His name is Freddo Frog.

It seems to be Fundraising time... no less than 3 boxes of 50 Freddo's are sitting in our office, just $1 each... It's all for a good cause right?

One of these boxes is located less than 2 metres from where I sit for 8 hours a day, and despite walking in every morning with a strong resolve... by 3pm each day it's dissolved into a pile of chocolate! Dammit Dammit Dammit, why can't I flex my willpower muscle and Just say NO!. 

When it comes down to it I am sabotaging myself... I know that this behaviour is not going to help me reach my goals, if it continues it will send me back to where I started. I'm letting my guard down, and the old UnHealthy me has been sneaking back into control and talking me back into old habits. 

So it's time to sit down with 'her' - the old unhealthy me -  and have a little discussion.  I have to admit she's been quiet lately, she hardly even makes a sound when we run, she doesn't even show up to zumba, but I hadn't noticed her stealth approach to sneak back in control of what was going into my mouth. She had been doing the "JFDI" in reverse, she had been sneaking in the "One won't hurt - JFDI" and I have been falling for it. 

The chocolate is gone in a minute, sometimes in 3 bites, and there is absolutely no long lasting goodness, but the annoyance and bad self talk that follows goes on for a while, and then she starts the old "well you've done it now you might as well have another" - and yes I fell for that too.

So where do we go from here ?  I thought we were making progress. I need to know why I am allowing myself to 'self-sabotage'.  I've done it time and time again. I get to a weight that I can live with - I'm 76/77kgs, I'm a size 12, and somewhere in my head she's telling me "thats enough - it's ok".  And yeah, I am a lot healthier now than I was, I'm a lot fitter now than I was, but this is not where the story ends. 

I set myself a goal to be in the Healthy BMI range, and I have not reached that goal yet... I'm close, but it's NOT enough.  

So anyway, I was having a little chat with my unhealthy self and trying to suss out #1 why I had become fat in the first place, #2 why I have lost weight before but not kept it off, #3 why I seem to sabotage myself when I get close to my goal.

Well these answers don't come easy. She needs a little coaxing to be honest with me, to feel confident enough to trust me, because somewhere along the line she's been hurt. 
Correction, we've been hurt. 

I want my whole self to be happy, and that includes her -  to help me enjoy the fun things in life again but I think that for the past 30-40 years she has been hiding in the corner, to scared to really stand out and feel the sun on her face. Why? I want to know why, so I can help her to heal.

Dear Unhealthy Mandy, 
I thought you were extinct. But I was wrong. And I realise now that you may have periods of silence, but you will always be there laying dormant, so we need to come to a better understanding of what I need to do to keep you from  acting out the way you do. 
Firstly I need you to understand that I need to finish this. I need to reach the goal. My entire life has been full of not finishing what I have started, from stories I have started writing, courses I have started taking, artworks I have started creating... none finished. 
This turning 40 thing... call it a mid life crisis if you want... was time to change. I wasted the first half of my life not finishing anything I started, I only have half my life left and I have got some big dreams to fulfil. 
What I need to do is not let you feel deprived. To give you your 'sweet fix' every now and again, but do it in a planned and controlled way ; to let you savour each mouthful.  I also need to educate you on why sugars and fats are bad for us.... Lets be honest , If I die, you die, so we need to work together to ensure we stay here as long as possible. 
If you help me, if you stop trying to overrule me, if you help me flex my will power muscle, I will give you your dreams. Do you remember the dreams we had when we were a kid? I know that you had them, being unhealthy doesn't mean that you don't have dreams, it just meant that you never really believed you could have them.... But I am here to tell you that you can be swimming in the Mediterranean like you wanted, and we can also be doing it in the Red Bikini like I want.  We can travel the Amalfi Coastline like you have wanted since you were 12, and we can do it on foot by doing the 'Walk of the Gods'.
On the Path of "The Walk of the Gods" between Positano and Praiano

So next time we get that craving, next time there are lollies or chocolate in the vicinity, I need you to think about the potential of what we are giving up, if I give in to you. We need to be strong enough together to forgo the immediate gratification (that does not last) and hold out for the good stuff.
Until this year, I didn't now how it felt to achieve something that I thought was impossible... believe me it feels great.  I want you to feel it too. 
You know what.. I am no longer going to refer to you as unhealthy me... you are not. You just didn't know any better. And by calling you that, I am making it a reality. You are my inner child. You are scared, you are innocent, you are unprepared. I will be brave for you, I will be wise for you, I will be prepared for you. All I need is for you to come along for the ride, and support me. I do know what I am doing, and I am doing what is best for us. If you help me, I will show you that we can have the life you always wanted.
I Love you. 
Fit, Healthy and Powerful Mandy.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Weigh In

Even though it's Thursday ... and Weigh in is on Wednesday... Today I weigh .... 76.3kg!
That is 2 kgs down from my start weight of this round.
I realised it had been a while since I posted my graph.

I am less than 4 kgs away from my original goal of 72.5 (Healthy BMI), which originally seemed so far away.
As I go closer to this, I reassessed the goal down to 70kg, then to 68kg. They are now really within reach and I am still quite stunned. 
There are not many mini goals on my list left to achieve now....

There are mixed results amongst my friends doing the challenge as well.  One of my dear friends sent me her results yesterday "Only 500g down" she said... ONLY! ONLY 500g! There are some 12WBTers who gained, some who lost 100g, some who lost 2.1kg last week.  One thing I have learned on this journey is to celebrate every loss, even the small ones, because its heading in the right direction. If its a gain... it's happened, there is no point freaking out. Calmly reassess the week, look at what you did (or didn't do) that contributed to the result, Own it, and work harder this week. 
Found this little pic to keep in mind, next time you 'only' lose 500g (1.1lb).

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Weekly Surprise

Part of the regular features of the 12WBT is Michelle's weekly surprise. Every Sunday night the 'Surprise' opens, and we have 6 days/nights to complete the activity and submit it to be in to win a Prize. - optional of course, but if you not in, you not win!

Previous surprises have included the Fitness Tests, Creating a Recipe, Creating a Workout (from last round), and so far in this round we have had a nutritional pop quiz (which I failed BTW - probably should've googled, but I thought I knew better! LOL), we have made an inspiration board and now we have to submit a blog... Well that's easy.... DONE!!

One of the images from my Inspiration Board.
Not every challenge is this easy.  I've got to say I have struggled with my organisation this round. I can sit there with my diary, and write it down, plan and decide what I am going to do this week... and by mid week it's all gone to crap.   I'm still losing weight, and on track, but I know if I could focus just a little more, I would be seeing so much more success. 

My word of the moment is BALANCE!  I feel unbalanced, and this is what I need to FOCUS on to get myself back on track.  I am unbalanced because... Work is insanely busy, and I am bringing the stresses home with me, using my mental exhaustion as an excuse, not knowing how to switch off.

I was thinking today... (yeah, look it's not that rare for me to be thinking) and the thought dawned on me that I have been stressing over this new job (not so new any more) trying to make sure that I was good enough, that I was doing enough to impress, trying to prove to anyone (myself) that I was good enough for it... and not having enough hours in the day to be as perfect as I want to be.  I am killing myself trying to be perfect for a job that I don't even particularly like... at the expense of my life! 
From now on, I will WORK to LIVE, not LIVE to WORK! I will work as hard as I can when I am there, but when I clock out, I need to give all of myself back to me.  I am working to get paid, so I can spend that pay on my family, my life and my experience. 
I think once I get this balance right, the other things will start to balance out too... my organisation of my eating and workout will start to fall into place. 

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Going for Distance...

Why is it that I do my best thinking in the shower?  Doesn't everyone though? Is it the lack of interuption, the rhythmic sound of the water falling, the warmth, the comfort - it allows your mind to settle, and your soul to awaken, inspiration can kick in, it's me time - time to get in touch with me. 

I have discovered another time when I feel this same way, the rhythmic sound of my breathing, of my shoes hitting the footpath. I am alone, and most often watching the sunrise or sunset, and I can have that conversation in my head that does not have the opportunity to do during the busy working day.

I'm shocked to say it, but I am beginning to love running. It's my 'me time'.

I have been a little freaked out about the 10km in 2 weeks. The last few 5km runs, I have pushed myself for a better time, and felt completely shattered by the end of the 5km, and it made me really worried about how I was going to cope with 10km.

So this morning I set myself a goal to go the distance, to run further than I have before, to not be concerned with time, but to run the distance I set myself. 
You would have seen me talk about my lake before, some of you may remember when I achieved my goal to run a lap of the lake without stopping.

Well, I now know that from my front door, around the lake and back to my front door is 4.9km, So I thought I would do 2 laps, and it should be about about 9km door to door....and further than the 8km Mothers Day Classic (when I did walk about 500m at the 6-7km mark).

So I set off, at a slower, comfortable pace. My Run Keeper was telling me I was running at an average of 8.03mins per km(I have gotten my 5km down to average 7mins per km). The first lap was fine, no breathing issues, just nice comfortable steady pace.  The second lap was harder, but I was more than halfway through the second lap before I started to feel fatigued.
My back was starting to hurt, I tried to pick up the pace but my legs were getting heavier, but I got to the end of the second lap, and continued on to the next exit (the lake path has about 4 entry points), and then up the path, and down the street to home.

RESULT. 9.27km  in 1hr 14mins. 

Although I felt like I had nothing left in the tank, I've gotta say, I was in less pain than when I finished the 8km, and with only 750m more to make 10km, I now know I CAN DO IT.   

I have been hoping for a 10km time of around 80mins.  70mins meant doing 2 x my fastest ever 5kms back to back, so I thought 80mins was more realistic, so to do 9.27 in 74mins, puts me right on pace for the 10km in 80mins.

I'm really pleased that I JFDI today, as it has taken the fear out of the actual 10km run on June 30....and you know what else I learned today...?
I learned ... I AM A RUNNER!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

It's Wednesday!

Just a short and sweet Wednesday Weigh in update.... a loss of 1.1kg this week. Great start to round 2.
Need to concentrate on my organisation skills, and handling my stress so that I am not tempted to binge.
and eeek 16 days until the 10 km run!

Saturday, June 9, 2012


Well we are at the end of week 1... and If the next 11 weeks go as fast, this round of 12WBT will be over before I know it, so I have to really focus and make sure I make the most of this.

Today's blog is about Inspiration.... or by definition,  "being a thing or person that inspires".

I know that 5 people have signed up for this round of Michelle Bridges 12WBT, as a result of seeing my success last round, and some have actually said that I am their inspiration.... which absolutely blows my mind. 
Now I feel a responsibility for these five; I want them to succeed. Sort of like, I recommended this program, and if they don't do well, then it's somehow my responsibility.  I know (logically) that each person has their own journey, and as Michelle says, No one else can want it for them - its up to them.  I can give all the support in the world, and the benefit of my experiences, but I can not control what they put in their mouths, and I can't make them get up at 6am in the cold, and JFDI.

Anyway to Crystal, Robyn, Shell, Sandra and Sarah - I wish you all the best for your 12 weeks, and I hope you find that this program changes your life for the better as well.... but it is up to you to make it happen (but I know you have it in you to Blitz this thing - Now go to it!!).

Now I want to talk about my Inspiration.  You all know that I was inspired to start the 12WBT by Cass, who did the round before me, and I saw her shrink before my eyes... this is her before and after pic. 
I hope she doesn't kill me for posting this.... 

She is at her goal weight, or so close she can smell it, and currently training for the Half Marathon, so I still look at her and see someone who I aspire to be. She also works full time in a stressful corporate job, and has a hubby and toddler to look after so it really shows, there is no excuse.

But since starting this journey, I have had the opportunity to meet so many more inspirational women, in person and online, and I am sure that some of you can also get inspired by them. 

First up we have Jane & Nicole.  Both ladies I met in the 12WBT Round 1 2012 Newbies Facebook page, and was lucky enough to meet them in person at the Finale.  These two were inspiring because they were doing it at the same time, I would get up off my butt after reading an inspirational post on the FB site, or when reading their blogs... I just felt an affinity with these two.  In reality there were so many ladies in that group that inspired, Keila, Melissa, Leanne... it's not really fair to only mention two, but there is only limited time.

Here is Nicole's blog -

And here is Jane's blog -

Then I met a lady at the Finale Party, It was a funny half drunken conversation, and we became buddies instantly.  Had a pic taken together, and found each other on Facebook, and then I saw the pics of her journey, and WOW WOW WOW.  Kelly Moroney... you are an inspiration. Here is her facebook page Kelly-Moroney-Get-back-up-Dont-give-up  and blog

However possibly one of the most inspirational ladies, that I have never met, is Angela Wallace. 
Angela, I hope you don't mind me sharing this... but you are truly  inspirational!
Seriously,  what an amazing transformation this lady has undergone.
Her FB Page is awesome, and I love reading her blogs on to get all inspired all over again.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Kick Off

Well tomorrow is Kickoff of 12WBT Round 2, 2012.

I have completed all my Preseason tasks, organised my diary, and written down exactly what I will be doing for the next 12 weeks, I have Completed my fitness test and taken all my measurements, starting weight, and a new 'before' pic.

START WEIGHT - 78.3kg. First weigh in is Wednesday, so lets see if I can nail the first 2 days and have a ripper start. 

In other news, We went to Park Run on Saturday, and I completed my 5km in 35mins and 3 seconds... my week 4 goal was to beat my PB and get to 35mins, so I am stoked that first time out after setting that goal and I am 3 seconds off! I am amazed at the power of writing it down, SPECIFIC, ACHIEVABLE GOALS, and FOCUS ON THEM!.

I cleaned out my Wardrobe and Drawers this weekend, tried on everything and made decisions of what to keep, and what to get rid of. I was surprised at the clothes that I have had in my wardrobe for years ( a decade some of them ) and most of those had been kept because I really liked them but they were too small, and I had kept them because I might get back into them one day... turns out they are all now too big, and I finally got rid of them - even though I still really like them, I am not going to ever fit them again so ...Out they go!

Well, I am not going to go wasting anymore of my evening on this computer, I have to go to the kitchen and prepare tomorrow nights dinner. Plan ahead, think ahead, I am not going to get dinner until after Kickboxing training tomorrow night, and it's straight of the train and into the Gym, so I have to go prep it now, or risk the family eating dinner at 9.30 tomorrow night. Thankfully I have a very mature, and talented 12 year old daughter who can follow the recipe and have my dinner ready for when training is finished, and feed herself and her sister at a reasonable hour. I also have to prepare my calorie controlled lunch to take to work tomorrow.

See you tomorrow!