Wednesday, January 25, 2012


I really don't want to write this, but I have to own it... I did it.
I binged.
I don't want to tell you what I ate, I am too ashamed, but I can tell you that I ate more than my 1200 cals in junk food alone. I am so disappointed in myself.
Tomorrow is another day and I will need to work extra hard to redeem myself.

I don't have any excuses. I don't have any reasons. Simple fact is unhealthy me was stronger today.
I had been lulled into a false sense of security, and let my guard down. She had been laying dormant, pretending to comply and waiting for her chance to strike.. and strike she did!

She waited until I was tired, stressed, un-organised and unprepared... and tried to fight her way back into the dominant position.  Well she may have won this battle but she will not win the war.
I don't want to over-analyse. What's done is done, and beating myself up about it, only makes her position stronger.  But I do need to make peace with her, I need to make her see that we are on the same team and we need to work together. 
I do need to recognise where my weaknesses are, where she can find an opportunity to rise to the top, and I need to put measures in place to stop this happening again. 
Today I got cocky, I got complacent. Today I didn't prepare a proper lunch, I didn't plan and pre-count my calories, I didn't exercise as planned... I let the rain, and subsequent flooding of our city, consume my energy and thoughts, and I let my subconscious unhealthy me revert to old coping habits.  And once it started, I wasn't strong enough to stop it.
So, how do I prevent this from happening again?  
CONSISTENCY & PLANNING regardless of what is going on in the outside world.  I need to get this sorted before the actual challenge starts. 
I also need to sit down and have a good long heart to heart with Unhealthy Me. She is fat for one reason only, she believes that eating bad food and being overweight is actually helping me. She is trying to protect me, and she thinks she is doing the right thing. I need to let her know that I love her unconditionally, that I am grateful for her trying to protect me when I was a child, but I am a big girl now, and I am capable of facing the big bad world without medicating myself with food. I need her to understand that although her heart was in the right place, her logic was wrong, and being fat is hurting me, not helping me. I need her to believe that she is capable of more than she thinks, she's not lazy, she's not unmotivated, she can come along for the ride without dying of exhaustion, because I will be there to hold her hand and support her every step of the way, and together we can achieve anything. 

I little while ago I started reading a book called 'A course in Weight loss', and it talks about connecting with your 'not thin self' and having a deep spiritual conversation.   We laugh about talking to yourself being the first sign of madness, well if so ladies and gentlemen, I am stark raving mad.  And I will continue to be mad until my two battling sides find a peaceful way to live together in one healthy body.

Anyway, I have binged with food, and I have purged with feelings and emotions. Fresh start.
Todays Wednesday weigh in was a 200g loss.  No where near where I wanted it to be. Possibly this disappointment initiated the awakening of Unhealthy Me.   But a loss is a loss, and after 3.3kg last week, overall it's a great loss. 

Dear U.M,
We made a mistake, and I am sad about that, but it's ok, I forgive you, and I still love you, but please don't let it happen again. I promise plan and organise myself, to try and never leave you in that vulnerable position again.
Love H.M.

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