Friday, February 24, 2012

The Danger Zone...

I have reached that point in my weight loss... my danger zone, I have been here before... its when I have lost about 13 kg, when I get to 86-88kg, .... i seem to derail myself and fall off the wagon.
A small fall off the wagon isn't the end of the world, but it is a major problem if you dont get back on at all.
You see back in 2004ish. I lost 13 kgs on weight-watchers, I actually got down to 75 kg, and I put it all back on...and then some. 
Then again in 2006/7 I lost 13 kg, and it slowly crept back on.

Right now I have lost 13.4kg, and whether it's rational or not, I'm worried that I am going to repeat this behaviour.
I'm trying to figure out if I self sabotage, or I just get lazy and take my foot of pedal when it starts to get harder.  Is it because so many people are saying how good I look, I'm into size 14 clothing, I like what I see in the mirror a lot more... that 'Unhealthy Me' says, "Yeah thats enough, now we can relax". She came with me, without putting up to much of a fight to get to this stage... you know, we've done this before, but now we get to this stage of having to cross this psychological barrier to keep going, and she's freaking out... "You mean, we have to keep going?" 

Truth is...I HAVE taken my foot off the pedal.
I AM losing focus.
I HAVE been getting lazy, and not weighing my food properly... guestimates are dangerous!
I HAVE been using excuses.. Yes it's do something else.
I HAVE been having cravings, haven't given in yet, but my resolve is weakening.
I HAVE been thinking, this is getting too hard...

My weigh in this Wednesday was 86.5, only a 700g loss... an I am only just getting around to telling you.
I am seriously  worried about next weeks weigh-in.

Michelle's Mindset lesson this week, was all about self sabotage. She asked us to really think about weather we do lay traps for us to fall into, weather we are truly a 'self saboteur'  or if we just haven't learned all the tools we need to succeed.
She said real self sabotage comes from a dark place, from a real deep down internal dialogue, where I didn't really ever believe it could do this, where deep down I believe I am useless, fat, lazy and pathetic...  Well I do think I am a self saboteur .  I really really do want this dream, but I do believe that deep down my true feelings, and beliefs are that I'm never going to be that person that I dream of.

So I need to do some work to change that... I think I have made huge improvements, but I am not sure I have won the battle yet. It comes down to a choice... do I choose to be Healthy, Thin, Active, and do what it takes to be that?  or do I choose to accept my over-weight, and accept the health implications that go along with it, and choose to be happy with that?
Well I choose happy and healthy... I accept that there are going to hard times, I accept that some days will be better than others, and i resolve that a bad day will not knock me off the wagon for good. 
So Michelle's tip was to have a positive 'self worth' bank balance.  Spend time on those things that make you feel good, Music, Dancing, a bubble bath,... make deposits to your self worth bank balance!, and stay away from those who constantly make with withdrawals.
I must admit I have been struggling with my time management, and planning.  I feel like I haven't had 5 minutes to myself.. Getting up at 5.15 to walk to work, working all day, coming home and straight to another exercise on Mon, Tues and Fri,  leaving only Wed and Thurs night to even see my kids.  Need to get to bed reasonably early, got to wash and dry my exercise gear, pack my bag and have my lunch prepared before I can go to bed... I'm exhausted.  And I feel like I haven't had any time at all to plan properly, or spend any time on making deposits to my self worth.  
The weekends have been full of SSS training sessions, athletics carnivals and birthdays, this upcoming one is no exception.   Saturday morning is going to be my time... I am hoping the weather is fine, because I want to challenge myself to see if I can run a lap of the lake....I CAN, and this will be a huge deposit

I seem to be waffling now, but I think I gotten to the bottom of this.
I think I was a self saboteur, but I CHOOSE to be healthy, and I will start to do things for myself that will increase my self-worth and start making me believe that I CAN DO THIS, and I WANT TO DO THIS.


Symphony said...

Oi!! No more of that! The magic number 13 is NOT a signal for you to slow down. It's a wall - but it's made of paper. Smash your fist through it right now by drinking a huge glass of water and planning to weigh every piece of food that goes into your mouth this evening (it's late afternoon where I am!! lol). Start there!! Take a few small steps to get back on track. Stand in front of the mirror and scream at it: I WILL be fearless and I AM fabulous but I WANT MORE!! So? Just DO IT! Cut the excuses! Take a piece of paper and write your fear of success onto it (like why you don't want to get past that '13'). Take a look at it - then burn it! Actually burn it! Take another piece and write 13kg on it in big numbers/letters. Burn that, too! See how easy it is to move away from those things? Take action. Brilliant post - honest and wonderful. Now go fight for that number 14, because this is the week that you can do it! You've got 4 days!! You are sooooooooo capable and deserving. Smile and show us how it's done!! xx

Mandy said...

OMG I needed that! Thank you.