It seems to be Fundraising time... no less than 3 boxes of 50 Freddo's are sitting in our office, just $1 each... It's all for a good cause right?
One of these boxes is located less than 2 metres from where I sit for 8 hours a day, and despite walking in every morning with a strong resolve... by 3pm each day it's dissolved into a pile of chocolate! Dammit Dammit Dammit, why can't I flex my willpower muscle and Just say NO!.
When it comes down to it I am sabotaging myself... I know that this behaviour is not going to help me reach my goals, if it continues it will send me back to where I started. I'm letting my guard down, and the old UnHealthy me has been sneaking back into control and talking me back into old habits.
So it's time to sit down with 'her' - the old unhealthy me - and have a little discussion. I have to admit she's been quiet lately, she hardly even makes a sound when we run, she doesn't even show up to zumba, but I hadn't noticed her stealth approach to sneak back in control of what was going into my mouth. She had been doing the "JFDI" in reverse, she had been sneaking in the "One won't hurt - JFDI" and I have been falling for it.
The chocolate is gone in a minute, sometimes in 3 bites, and there is absolutely no long lasting goodness, but the annoyance and bad self talk that follows goes on for a while, and then she starts the old "well you've done it now you might as well have another" - and yes I fell for that too.
So where do we go from here ? I thought we were making progress. I need to know why I am allowing myself to 'self-sabotage'. I've done it time and time again. I get to a weight that I can live with - I'm 76/77kgs, I'm a size 12, and somewhere in my head she's telling me "thats enough - it's ok". And yeah, I am a lot healthier now than I was, I'm a lot fitter now than I was, but this is not where the story ends.
I set myself a goal to be in the Healthy BMI range, and I have not reached that goal yet... I'm close, but it's NOT enough.
So anyway, I was having a little chat with my unhealthy self and trying to suss out #1 why I had become fat in the first place, #2 why I have lost weight before but not kept it off, #3 why I seem to sabotage myself when I get close to my goal.
Well these answers don't come easy. She needs a little coaxing to be honest with me, to feel confident enough to trust me, because somewhere along the line she's been hurt.
Correction, we've been hurt.
I want my whole self to be happy, and that includes her - to help me enjoy the fun things in life again but I think that for the past 30-40 years she has been hiding in the corner, to scared to really stand out and feel the sun on her face. Why? I want to know why, so I can help her to heal.
Dear Unhealthy Mandy,
I thought you were extinct. But I was wrong. And I realise now that you may have periods of silence, but you will always be there laying dormant, so we need to come to a better understanding of what I need to do to keep you from acting out the way you do.
Firstly I need you to understand that I need to finish this. I need to reach the goal. My entire life has been full of not finishing what I have started, from stories I have started writing, courses I have started taking, artworks I have started creating... none finished.
This turning 40 thing... call it a mid life crisis if you want... was time to change. I wasted the first half of my life not finishing anything I started, I only have half my life left and I have got some big dreams to fulfil.
What I need to do is not let you feel deprived. To give you your 'sweet fix' every now and again, but do it in a planned and controlled way ; to let you savour each mouthful. I also need to educate you on why sugars and fats are bad for us.... Lets be honest , If I die, you die, so we need to work together to ensure we stay here as long as possible.
If you help me, if you stop trying to overrule me, if you help me flex my will power muscle, I will give you your dreams. Do you remember the dreams we had when we were a kid? I know that you had them, being unhealthy doesn't mean that you don't have dreams, it just meant that you never really believed you could have them.... But I am here to tell you that you can be swimming in the Mediterranean like you wanted, and we can also be doing it in the Red Bikini like I want. We can travel the Amalfi Coastline like you have wanted since you were 12, and we can do it on foot by doing the 'Walk of the Gods'.
|On the Path of "The Walk of the Gods" between Positano and Praiano|
So next time we get that craving, next time there are lollies or chocolate in the vicinity, I need you to think about the potential of what we are giving up, if I give in to you. We need to be strong enough together to forgo the immediate gratification (that does not last) and hold out for the good stuff.
Until this year, I didn't now how it felt to achieve something that I thought was impossible... believe me it feels great. I want you to feel it too.
You know what.. I am no longer going to refer to you as unhealthy me... you are not. You just didn't know any better. And by calling you that, I am making it a reality. You are my inner child. You are scared, you are innocent, you are unprepared. I will be brave for you, I will be wise for you, I will be prepared for you. All I need is for you to come along for the ride, and support me. I do know what I am doing, and I am doing what is best for us. If you help me, I will show you that we can have the life you always wanted.
I Love you.
Fit, Healthy and Powerful Mandy.