Time to Fess Up!
Time to admit that I haven't been blogging about weight loss, because I haven't been losing weight... in fact I have reverted back to my old habits, and if I keep it up I will revert back to where I started and I am not about to let that happen.
So at least 15 times I have started over, and not got to the end of the day before I have fallen off the wagon. I'm so frustrated with myself, and today was a particularly bad 'binge' day so I need to start again, again. Obviously its not as easy this time around. The reasons excuses I have been using are - Its so cold, I'll wait until Spring (**excuse me, Spring started 19 days ago**), Work has been getting me down, and I am eating through my emotions (**true, but lets find an alternative coping strategy**), I'm too tired - hitting snooze too many times in the morning... and the list goes on. I have lost my Just Do It mantra.
So what do I do to get back on track?
I think I need to :
Start small..Baby steps, and slowly build up momentum
Be accountable - Tell you what I have planned and own up if I don't do it
Go through the mind exercises again - Get real, Plan, and Set Goals.
So here we go -
Tomorrow I plan to start on the basics
WATER - Drink 2 litres (I didn't have any water today, or yesterday)
RUN - a morning run before work. If I leave by 6am, I am back by 6.45 and still have at least an hour before I need to leave for work,
BREAKFAST - Non-negotiable, no more "I'll have it at work", and then getting to 11am before realising I haven't had it.
So that's it! The plan for this week is above, I will check in tomorrow and let you know how it went.
I really don't want to write this, but I have to own it... I did it.
I binged.
I don't want to tell you what I ate, I am too ashamed, but I can tell you that I ate more than my 1200 cals in junk food alone. I am so disappointed in myself.
Tomorrow is another day and I will need to work extra hard to redeem myself.
I don't have any excuses. I don't have any reasons. Simple fact is unhealthy me was stronger today.
I had been lulled into a false sense of security, and let my guard down. She had been laying dormant, pretending to comply and waiting for her chance to strike.. and strike she did!
She waited until I was tired, stressed, un-organised and unprepared... and tried to fight her way back into the dominant position. Well she may have won this battle but she will not win the war.
I don't want to over-analyse. What's done is done, and beating myself up about it, only makes her position stronger. But I do need to make peace with her, I need to make her see that we are on the same team and we need to work together.
I do need to recognise where my weaknesses are, where she can find an opportunity to rise to the top, and I need to put measures in place to stop this happening again.
Today I got cocky, I got complacent. Today I didn't prepare a proper lunch, I didn't plan and pre-count my calories, I didn't exercise as planned... I let the rain, and subsequent flooding of our city, consume my energy and thoughts, and I let my subconscious unhealthy me revert to old coping habits. And once it started, I wasn't strong enough to stop it.
So, how do I prevent this from happening again?
CONSISTENCY & PLANNING regardless of what is going on in the outside world. I need to get this sorted before the actual challenge starts.
I also need to sit down and have a good long heart to heart with Unhealthy Me. She is fat for one reason only, she believes that eating bad food and being overweight is actually helping me. She is trying to protect me, and she thinks she is doing the right thing. I need to let her know that I love her unconditionally, that I am grateful for her trying to protect me when I was a child, but I am a big girl now, and I am capable of facing the big bad world without medicating myself with food. I need her to understand that although her heart was in the right place, her logic was wrong, and being fat is hurting me, not helping me. I need her to believe that she is capable of more than she thinks, she's not lazy, she's not unmotivated, she can come along for the ride without dying of exhaustion, because I will be there to hold her hand and support her every step of the way, and together we can achieve anything.
Anyway, I have binged with food, and I have purged with feelings and emotions. Fresh start.
Todays Wednesday weigh in was a 200g loss. No where near where I wanted it to be. Possibly this disappointment initiated the awakening of Unhealthy Me. But a loss is a loss, and after 3.3kg last week, overall it's a great loss.
Dear U.M,
We made a mistake, and I am sad about that, but it's ok, I forgive you, and I still love you, but please don't let it happen again. I promise plan and organise myself, to try and never leave you in that vulnerable position again.
Love H.M.
Our Overseas guests have arrived, My two weeks annual leave has started, now the challenge to find time to exercise, and eat the correct things really begins.
Got up at 5am, for a walk around the lake with Mel. Now on with the day.
We will be spending today at Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary, which luckily means quite a bit of walking around, but it also means I have the dilemma of what to eat.
The old me would have probably headed of without breakfast, and then just had a plate of wedges or something when I got really hungry, grabbed a bag of chips, a coke and a choc bar when really started to fade, then after a fun day out I would've said to my husband, "I'm too exhausted to organise dinner, how about we drive through Macca's on the way home".
As pathetic as it sounds, it is accurate... and freaking expensive!
Where I fall down is my failure to plan in advance. When I haven't organised and already made definite decision as to what will be going in my mouth, I choose whatever is around, which is generally high in fat, low in nutrients, and expensive because I am paying someone else to prepare it for me. Yes that is right, paying someone to feed me crap... all because I was too unorganised.
The new me however has planned for our day out.
- I have packed my water bottle.
- I have made a Quinoa Salad, and packed 9 forks.
- I have made some mini fruit salads to share.
- I have snaplock bags containing rice crackers.
- And because we will have 5 children on today's adventure, I have packed a 6 pack of juices.
We have all had a good breakfast before heading out, and I have set up the Slow cooker to be ready when we get home.
Now I am planning to Succeed! FAIL is not a word I am allowing in my vocabulary today.
