Confession.

I really don't want to write this, but I have to own it... I did it.
I binged.
I don't want to tell you what I ate, I am too ashamed, but I can tell you that I ate more than my 1200 cals in junk food alone. I am so disappointed in myself.
Tomorrow is another day and I will need to work extra hard to redeem myself.


I don't have any excuses. I don't have any reasons. Simple fact is unhealthy me was stronger today.
I had been lulled into a false sense of security, and let my guard down. She had been laying dormant, pretending to comply and waiting for her chance to strike.. and strike she did!


She waited until I was tired, stressed, un-organised and unprepared... and tried to fight her way back into the dominant position.  Well she may have won this battle but she will not win the war.

I don't want to over-analyse. What's done is done, and beating myself up about it, only makes her position stronger.  But I do need to make peace with her, I need to make her see that we are on the same team and we need to work together. 
I do need to recognise where my weaknesses are, where she can find an opportunity to rise to the top, and I need to put measures in place to stop this happening again. 
Today I got cocky, I got complacent. Today I didn't prepare a proper lunch, I didn't plan and pre-count my calories, I didn't exercise as planned... I let the rain, and subsequent flooding of our city, consume my energy and thoughts, and I let my subconscious unhealthy me revert to old coping habits.  And once it started, I wasn't strong enough to stop it.
So, how do I prevent this from happening again?  
CONSISTENCY & PLANNING regardless of what is going on in the outside world.  I need to get this sorted before the actual challenge starts. 
I also need to sit down and have a good long heart to heart with Unhealthy Me. She is fat for one reason only, she believes that eating bad food and being overweight is actually helping me. She is trying to protect me, and she thinks she is doing the right thing. I need to let her know that I love her unconditionally, that I am grateful for her trying to protect me when I was a child, but I am a big girl now, and I am capable of facing the big bad world without medicating myself with food. I need her to understand that although her heart was in the right place, her logic was wrong, and being fat is hurting me, not helping me. I need her to believe that she is capable of more than she thinks, she's not lazy, she's not unmotivated, she can come along for the ride without dying of exhaustion, because I will be there to hold her hand and support her every step of the way, and together we can achieve anything. 

I little while ago I started reading a book called 'A course in Weight loss', and it talks about connecting with your 'not thin self' and having a deep spiritual conversation.   We laugh about talking to yourself being the first sign of madness, well if so ladies and gentlemen, I am stark raving mad.  And I will continue to be mad until my two battling sides find a peaceful way to live together in one healthy body.


Anyway, I have binged with food, and I have purged with feelings and emotions. Fresh start.
Todays Wednesday weigh in was a 200g loss.  No where near where I wanted it to be. Possibly this disappointment initiated the awakening of Unhealthy Me.   But a loss is a loss, and after 3.3kg last week, overall it's a great loss. 


Dear U.M,
We made a mistake, and I am sad about that, but it's ok, I forgive you, and I still love you, but please don't let it happen again. I promise plan and organise myself, to try and never leave you in that vulnerable position again.
Love H.M.

Excuses Excuses

Deep down inside me somewhere is the thin, fit, healthy me who is trying to fight her way out. Unfortunately for the past 30 years, she has been overpowered by the "not healthy me" who is self-conscious, sad, lost and used food and hibernation to protect me from the outside world. The healthy me is now ready to come to the front and take her rightful place in this world. It's time to convince the unhealthy me that it's time for her to retire! 
So beware the split personality in this post... Here are Unhealthy Me's top 5 excuses for why I don't exercise, and Healthy Me's reasons why they are all BullSh*t :

1. I Don't have enough time.... a.k.a I'm to busy!  So experts say 20 mins a day is all you need.. 20 mins! And I can't find 20 mins in my day?. Sure I work fulltime, but I find time to watch Young & the Restless, I spend way more time on Facebook than 20 mins a day. If I dropped a silly 'Ville game out of my day I would have more than 20 mins. If I stop sitting in front of the TV watching sitcoms or movies every night , I could go to bed earlier, and then get up an hour early every day if I want to, so don't use that excuse, cos it won't fly.
2. I'm too tired ... Fatigue can actually be caused by a sedentary lifestyle. Exercise helps jump start the body. When you exercise, you are releasing endorphins and getting the circulation going. Experts at California State University found that just 10 minutes of brisk walking can give you 2 hours of increased energy. So it's not tiredness that's stopping you, it's laziness
3. My Body Hurts... well Duh! You haven't looked after it so what do you expect. Exercise will strengthen the muscles that support the skeleton, it will eliminate the fat that the poor skeleton is lugging around all day.  The muscles that hurt after exercise will recover, they are only hurting because they haven't been used and are adapting to the new regime. If you keep it up, this pain will decrease overtime. Don't use this as an excuse to stop, or you have to go through it all again when you start again, and you know you will. Instead of quitting use stretching, heat packs and massage to assist the muscles to recover. Pain is temporary ; Pride is forever.
4. I don't like exercise , its boring... I have already discovered that this is no longer true.  I love Zumba! Finding some sort of activity that you do enjoy makes exercise feel more like a treat than a chore. Anyway regardless, no one ever said that exercise had to be fun. Its a necessity if you want to achieve your goals. I don't want to go to work sometimes either, but its necessary to get paid...Same principle. Cut through the boredom..Switch up your training routines, Train with a friend to catch up on the gossip, invest in an Ipod to listen to music or even audio-books while you walk or run. It doesn't have to be boring - That is a poor excuse.
5. I don't know how to exercise properly, and I can't afford a trainer.... Oh a double whammy... (she's putting up a fight folks). Well number #1, the 12WBT is already paid for and Michelle Bridges will tell you what to do, but in general terms that excuse is also as pathetic as the others. There are millions of exercise tips on the internet (605,000,000 in fact - I just googled it!), you can easily access training plans if you want to. You live a 2min walk from $5 bootcamps in the park... and don't tell me you can't find $5, do I need to remind you of the chocolate bars from the vending machine at work?  You already have Wii workouts, and DVD workouts, and you live by a lake with a walking track and community exercise machines. Your workplace has a FREE employee gym, and provides free lunchtime workouts with a Personal trainer twice a week. The Gold Coast Council provides an Active and Healthy Program with tons of free or low cost activities.  I know the budget is always tight, but our health is important, and we need to factor these things in and make it work.