My Nemesis ... Is it the Frog? or Me?

Well, I have not had a great week... Outwardly, I am blaming a new nemesis, a certain little green frog, who has been calling my name for the past week. His name is Freddo Frog.

It seems to be Fundraising time... no less than 3 boxes of 50 Freddo's are sitting in our office, just $1 each... It's all for a good cause right?


One of these boxes is located less than 2 metres from where I sit for 8 hours a day, and despite walking in every morning with a strong resolve... by 3pm each day it's dissolved into a pile of chocolate! Dammit Dammit Dammit, why can't I flex my willpower muscle and Just say NO!. 


When it comes down to it I am sabotaging myself... I know that this behaviour is not going to help me reach my goals, if it continues it will send me back to where I started. I'm letting my guard down, and the old UnHealthy me has been sneaking back into control and talking me back into old habits. 


So it's time to sit down with 'her' - the old unhealthy me -  and have a little discussion.  I have to admit she's been quiet lately, she hardly even makes a sound when we run, she doesn't even show up to zumba, but I hadn't noticed her stealth approach to sneak back in control of what was going into my mouth. She had been doing the "JFDI" in reverse, she had been sneaking in the "One won't hurt - JFDI" and I have been falling for it. 


The chocolate is gone in a minute, sometimes in 3 bites, and there is absolutely no long lasting goodness, but the annoyance and bad self talk that follows goes on for a while, and then she starts the old "well you've done it now you might as well have another" - and yes I fell for that too.


So where do we go from here ?  I thought we were making progress. I need to know why I am allowing myself to 'self-sabotage'.  I've done it time and time again. I get to a weight that I can live with - I'm 76/77kgs, I'm a size 12, and somewhere in my head she's telling me "thats enough - it's ok".  And yeah, I am a lot healthier now than I was, I'm a lot fitter now than I was, but this is not where the story ends. 


I set myself a goal to be in the Healthy BMI range, and I have not reached that goal yet... I'm close, but it's NOT enough.  



So anyway, I was having a little chat with my unhealthy self and trying to suss out #1 why I had become fat in the first place, #2 why I have lost weight before but not kept it off, #3 why I seem to sabotage myself when I get close to my goal.


Well these answers don't come easy. She needs a little coaxing to be honest with me, to feel confident enough to trust me, because somewhere along the line she's been hurt. 
Correction, we've been hurt. 


I want my whole self to be happy, and that includes her -  to help me enjoy the fun things in life again but I think that for the past 30-40 years she has been hiding in the corner, to scared to really stand out and feel the sun on her face. Why? I want to know why, so I can help her to heal.



Dear Unhealthy Mandy, 
I thought you were extinct. But I was wrong. And I realise now that you may have periods of silence, but you will always be there laying dormant, so we need to come to a better understanding of what I need to do to keep you from  acting out the way you do. 
Firstly I need you to understand that I need to finish this. I need to reach the goal. My entire life has been full of not finishing what I have started, from stories I have started writing, courses I have started taking, artworks I have started creating... none finished. 
This turning 40 thing... call it a mid life crisis if you want... was time to change. I wasted the first half of my life not finishing anything I started, I only have half my life left and I have got some big dreams to fulfil. 
What I need to do is not let you feel deprived. To give you your 'sweet fix' every now and again, but do it in a planned and controlled way ; to let you savour each mouthful.  I also need to educate you on why sugars and fats are bad for us.... Lets be honest , If I die, you die, so we need to work together to ensure we stay here as long as possible. 
If you help me, if you stop trying to overrule me, if you help me flex my will power muscle, I will give you your dreams. Do you remember the dreams we had when we were a kid? I know that you had them, being unhealthy doesn't mean that you don't have dreams, it just meant that you never really believed you could have them.... But I am here to tell you that you can be swimming in the Mediterranean like you wanted, and we can also be doing it in the Red Bikini like I want.  We can travel the Amalfi Coastline like you have wanted since you were 12, and we can do it on foot by doing the 'Walk of the Gods'.

On the Path of "The Walk of the Gods" between Positano and Praiano

So next time we get that craving, next time there are lollies or chocolate in the vicinity, I need you to think about the potential of what we are giving up, if I give in to you. We need to be strong enough together to forgo the immediate gratification (that does not last) and hold out for the good stuff.
Until this year, I didn't now how it felt to achieve something that I thought was impossible... believe me it feels great.  I want you to feel it too. 
You know what.. I am no longer going to refer to you as unhealthy me... you are not. You just didn't know any better. And by calling you that, I am making it a reality. You are my inner child. You are scared, you are innocent, you are unprepared. I will be brave for you, I will be wise for you, I will be prepared for you. All I need is for you to come along for the ride, and support me. I do know what I am doing, and I am doing what is best for us. If you help me, I will show you that we can have the life you always wanted.
I Love you. 
Fit, Healthy and Powerful Mandy.

Confession.

I really don't want to write this, but I have to own it... I did it.
I binged.
I don't want to tell you what I ate, I am too ashamed, but I can tell you that I ate more than my 1200 cals in junk food alone. I am so disappointed in myself.
Tomorrow is another day and I will need to work extra hard to redeem myself.


I don't have any excuses. I don't have any reasons. Simple fact is unhealthy me was stronger today.
I had been lulled into a false sense of security, and let my guard down. She had been laying dormant, pretending to comply and waiting for her chance to strike.. and strike she did!


She waited until I was tired, stressed, un-organised and unprepared... and tried to fight her way back into the dominant position.  Well she may have won this battle but she will not win the war.

I don't want to over-analyse. What's done is done, and beating myself up about it, only makes her position stronger.  But I do need to make peace with her, I need to make her see that we are on the same team and we need to work together. 
I do need to recognise where my weaknesses are, where she can find an opportunity to rise to the top, and I need to put measures in place to stop this happening again. 
Today I got cocky, I got complacent. Today I didn't prepare a proper lunch, I didn't plan and pre-count my calories, I didn't exercise as planned... I let the rain, and subsequent flooding of our city, consume my energy and thoughts, and I let my subconscious unhealthy me revert to old coping habits.  And once it started, I wasn't strong enough to stop it.
So, how do I prevent this from happening again?  
CONSISTENCY & PLANNING regardless of what is going on in the outside world.  I need to get this sorted before the actual challenge starts. 
I also need to sit down and have a good long heart to heart with Unhealthy Me. She is fat for one reason only, she believes that eating bad food and being overweight is actually helping me. She is trying to protect me, and she thinks she is doing the right thing. I need to let her know that I love her unconditionally, that I am grateful for her trying to protect me when I was a child, but I am a big girl now, and I am capable of facing the big bad world without medicating myself with food. I need her to understand that although her heart was in the right place, her logic was wrong, and being fat is hurting me, not helping me. I need her to believe that she is capable of more than she thinks, she's not lazy, she's not unmotivated, she can come along for the ride without dying of exhaustion, because I will be there to hold her hand and support her every step of the way, and together we can achieve anything. 

I little while ago I started reading a book called 'A course in Weight loss', and it talks about connecting with your 'not thin self' and having a deep spiritual conversation.   We laugh about talking to yourself being the first sign of madness, well if so ladies and gentlemen, I am stark raving mad.  And I will continue to be mad until my two battling sides find a peaceful way to live together in one healthy body.


Anyway, I have binged with food, and I have purged with feelings and emotions. Fresh start.
Todays Wednesday weigh in was a 200g loss.  No where near where I wanted it to be. Possibly this disappointment initiated the awakening of Unhealthy Me.   But a loss is a loss, and after 3.3kg last week, overall it's a great loss. 


Dear U.M,
We made a mistake, and I am sad about that, but it's ok, I forgive you, and I still love you, but please don't let it happen again. I promise plan and organise myself, to try and never leave you in that vulnerable position again.
Love H.M.

Excuses Excuses

Deep down inside me somewhere is the thin, fit, healthy me who is trying to fight her way out. Unfortunately for the past 30 years, she has been overpowered by the "not healthy me" who is self-conscious, sad, lost and used food and hibernation to protect me from the outside world. The healthy me is now ready to come to the front and take her rightful place in this world. It's time to convince the unhealthy me that it's time for her to retire! 
So beware the split personality in this post... Here are Unhealthy Me's top 5 excuses for why I don't exercise, and Healthy Me's reasons why they are all BullSh*t :

1. I Don't have enough time.... a.k.a I'm to busy!  So experts say 20 mins a day is all you need.. 20 mins! And I can't find 20 mins in my day?. Sure I work fulltime, but I find time to watch Young & the Restless, I spend way more time on Facebook than 20 mins a day. If I dropped a silly 'Ville game out of my day I would have more than 20 mins. If I stop sitting in front of the TV watching sitcoms or movies every night , I could go to bed earlier, and then get up an hour early every day if I want to, so don't use that excuse, cos it won't fly.
2. I'm too tired ... Fatigue can actually be caused by a sedentary lifestyle. Exercise helps jump start the body. When you exercise, you are releasing endorphins and getting the circulation going. Experts at California State University found that just 10 minutes of brisk walking can give you 2 hours of increased energy. So it's not tiredness that's stopping you, it's laziness
3. My Body Hurts... well Duh! You haven't looked after it so what do you expect. Exercise will strengthen the muscles that support the skeleton, it will eliminate the fat that the poor skeleton is lugging around all day.  The muscles that hurt after exercise will recover, they are only hurting because they haven't been used and are adapting to the new regime. If you keep it up, this pain will decrease overtime. Don't use this as an excuse to stop, or you have to go through it all again when you start again, and you know you will. Instead of quitting use stretching, heat packs and massage to assist the muscles to recover. Pain is temporary ; Pride is forever.
4. I don't like exercise , its boring... I have already discovered that this is no longer true.  I love Zumba! Finding some sort of activity that you do enjoy makes exercise feel more like a treat than a chore. Anyway regardless, no one ever said that exercise had to be fun. Its a necessity if you want to achieve your goals. I don't want to go to work sometimes either, but its necessary to get paid...Same principle. Cut through the boredom..Switch up your training routines, Train with a friend to catch up on the gossip, invest in an Ipod to listen to music or even audio-books while you walk or run. It doesn't have to be boring - That is a poor excuse.
5. I don't know how to exercise properly, and I can't afford a trainer.... Oh a double whammy... (she's putting up a fight folks). Well number #1, the 12WBT is already paid for and Michelle Bridges will tell you what to do, but in general terms that excuse is also as pathetic as the others. There are millions of exercise tips on the internet (605,000,000 in fact - I just googled it!), you can easily access training plans if you want to. You live a 2min walk from $5 bootcamps in the park... and don't tell me you can't find $5, do I need to remind you of the chocolate bars from the vending machine at work?  You already have Wii workouts, and DVD workouts, and you live by a lake with a walking track and community exercise machines. Your workplace has a FREE employee gym, and provides free lunchtime workouts with a Personal trainer twice a week. The Gold Coast Council provides an Active and Healthy Program with tons of free or low cost activities.  I know the budget is always tight, but our health is important, and we need to factor these things in and make it work.