Wake Up ... and smell the coffee

So here I am feeling sorry for myself, because I think I have failed in this second round of 12WBT, and for those of you who know me, Failure is not something that I like to experience (well who does).  But you know what, a small fail here and there, does not mean that success is now out of the question.   

FALL DOWN 9 TIMES, GET UP 10

I went back to my Pre-Season task of 'Set your goals', and looked at what I wrote in that task about 10 weeks back ...  
I said at one month into the round i wanted to have achieved : A 10km run, to beat my 5km PB, and run under 35mins, and my weight to be 76kg.
I actually achieved all of those before schedule - (my weight is now 77kg, but I did achieve 76kg by the 4 week mark)... WAKE UP MANDY, THAT IS NOT FAILURE.


Right now I am definitely behind schedule to achieve my next lot of goals, my three month goals, but I can do it.... and If I don't, I will pick myself back up, dust myself off and keep going.


This journey is definitely a rollercoaster of ups and downs, highs and lows,  successes and failures... but at the end of the ride I will be ecstatic that I did it.


I have done too much, and worked to hard to throw my hands in the air and say 'its too hard, I give up'.   I've done that before, and it doesn't work, I end up back at the start wishing I was where I am now... that is one huge waste of energy.  I just have to keep going, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, forever.... there is no end, this is a journey to a new life, a new lifestyle, and when I get there the purpose is not to then stop and turn around, but to enjoy the view, and then start the journey to a new more exciting, dream fulfilling destination.

  
I have started this journey before, multiple times, and I always turned back when it got too hard, I have even got this far in the journey at least 3 times, and didn't make it to the end, I can't do it this time, I have to keep moving, I am running out of time.
This time is different though, I must admit. I was talking with Cass last night and we had a little lightbulb moment... the other times were diets, be it weightwatchers or similar, and exercise was the secondary focus. I would exercise to get bonus points etc, but I would never really like it.  

This time, with the 12WBT, I have learned to love exercise, I have changed into someone who has an active life, and the eating is the secondary focus.  I believe this is what will keep me going. If I slip on the eating, but I remain active, I will not relapse like previous efforts, and if I focus on the food as well... well the world is my oyster.

Crikey ... I haven't seen you in a while.

Well, Where have I been?  2 weeks of slience?
Honestly I have been hiding from you.  I have not been prepared to fess up to the total and utter relapse that has occurred.  Crikey, I hadn't seen her for a while ...but the old me is back, the old habits are back, the old lies and excuses and laziness, have snuck up behind me, ambushed me and left me dazed and confused. 
I knew it had happened, I pretended it hadn't by telling myself I'm just taking a break, but now at 6 weeks into my 2nd round of 12WBT I have not progressed any further towards my goal.  Although I am happy to say I have not put on weight, I haven't lost any either, and I have lost my way. 


I'm just sitting here listening to the bullshit I have been telling myself about why I have not done what I said I would. 


Its Winter, It's too cold, dark, wet to get up early to train
I've been too tired to plan, or record correctly 
I haven't had time to prepare healthy food
I've been stressed, so i've been emotional eating
I can't say no when there is all this food around, and it's a special occasion.
I've been sick, and chocolate makes me feels better.


Yep... heard it all before. 23 kilos ago.... so I ask myself this question...

So here I am... frantically searching for Motivation to get back up on my feet, and back on track, the track towards my own finish line. 


So Motivation .... where do you find it?  It's not in the pantry or the fridge (I looked, and while I was there.... *sigh*), and it's not falling on my lap while lying in bed or on the sofa, and believe it or not (and this is a shocker!) it's not on Facebook or Pinterest - although a lot of pages seem to be motivation, but just reading about it doesn't make it happen.


Being so far behind on my Michelle Bridges program, I decided that may be  the best place to start with Week 6's video messages...  and lo and behold this weeks mindset message is about... drum roll please...

I love how Michelle puts it, Motivation is a Crock of sh*t!


Motivation is like a Bad Boyfriend,...
NEVER there when you need it most!


The answer is to not wait for motivation to strike, the answer is to just do it, day in, day out.... CONSISTENCY.  This is what I have lost, and the only way to get that back is to JFDI. 

Here we go folks... 

Zero to 10km in 6months

Who remembers about 6 months ago when I posted a little commitment video on my blog, promising a certain Mrs Cass Thurston that I would run a 10km fun run. I meant it, but I didn't believe it, and today I did it.

I JUST FRICKEN DID IT.

Here is Video of the proof!

I like the fact that this race was on June 30, the last day of the first half of 2012. Because it was on the first day of 2012 that this journey started, and I am pretty damn proud of myself for going from being able to run zilch, to 10km in 6 months... imagine where I could be in another 6, or this time next year.

Lightbulbs

So, some of you may remember a wee post I did the other day when I wrote a letter to my inner child.  I thought she was hurt, and scared, and acting out... and I was determined to get to the bottom of why she acted out with Food, and what I could do to help her... I thought we'd come to an understanding. Well since then, ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE. 
I'm talking no exercise, bulk chocolate & lollies, and even Pizza... HOLY CRAP!


I was just in the shower, berating myself for letting this happen again.. and BAM! out of nowhere it hit me. It wasn't her after all... it was me.


You know as a child, and any of you who are Mum's will know even better, than when a child is hurt, scared, tired, ratty.. we try to soothe them. The crying or screaming sounds are painful to us, we don't want to hear it, so we ssshh, and rock, and sing... and when they don't stop, we revert to treats.


Yes Folks, it dawned on me that it is not my inner child craving th chocolate, or even wanting the chocolate. My inner child in calling out, crying, screaming for me to hear her, and I find it uncomfortable so I shove a pile of junk food down her throat in hopes it will quiet her down for a while, because I DON'T WANNA LISTEN.

What is it that I don't wanna hear? What is it that I don't want to face, or take ownership for? She is stuck in time warp where she believes the things she heard as a child.  Let me make this clear right off the bat, I am not about to start bashing my parents for anything they may have said or did when I was growing up. This is not their doing. 
I developed my own beliefs, and my own self worth, from my own perception of what I saw around me.  I will say that there are a few people that over my childhood (and I'm counting up to the age of 18) that definitely skewed my take on the world, and I somehow let them convince me that I was not worthy of the life that I dreamed off.... and she still believes it.  I still believe it.

I have to convince this little girl that this body she was given is worth respecting. That her mind has got the capability to take her anywhere, and she is loveable no matter what.  Everyone makes mistakes, and it's how you rise from them that determines how far you go. 


So, we are making progress. I now need to recognise when I want to scoff a bag of Jelly snakes, that it is not the Snakes that I want, its that she is having an emotion, and expressing something that I don't want to hear or acknowledge - and I need to take time everyday to listen to her.


I am a bit scared of what she is going to say. I mean it's easier to blame so and so from when I was 14, than it is to acknowledge my own part in the whole thing. 

Ok, so now here is the hard bit. The actual putting it out there. Please don't judge me (Wooooah as I wrote that I realised that THAT IS what I am afraid of - being judged). Ok here goes.... What I (we) really believe is that if I reach my goal weight, If I get thin, If I get sexy ... I will get unwanted attention, the kind of attention I got in the past, the kind that leads to trouble.  You can read between the lines. Maybe soon I will be brave enough to actually say it, to type the words that I have never ever been able to write or speak before.


The thing is I have something now that I didn't have before. I have a husband who loves me for who I am. He's loved me thin, He's loved me fat. He loves me when I'm crazy, he loves me when I'm so stressed that I bitch at him constantly (maybe not so much then). He saw the real me, and found something lovable about it. Maybe one day he will finally get me to see what that is.


So what started as a quick shower to wash my hair and shave my legs, has resulted in me sitting on the floor of my bedroom, typing frantically with tears rolling down my face. ... I think I may have hit a nerve.


I'll be honest - I am petrified of hitting 'publish' on this one, even more so of 'share'.  I think I will start with the 12WBT girls first, they won't judge. 


Who would have thought that a weight loss challenge could turn you inside out like this, but it reminds me of one of my favourite movie quotes :
 'Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation' eatpraylove

A Good Deed

Today I ticked another item of my Bucket list.


I have no idea why it took me 40 years to do it, but today I finally donated my blood. 


My workplace organised a pickup from work in the Blood Donor Van, and my Workmate Melissa (another first timer) and I went off to do our good deed on Works time.


The ladies were lovely, and made us feel at ease, 500mls of the Red Stuff later  and we were treated to pastries, milkshakes, cheese & crackers, lollies.. before I thought...oh crap the calories.

And I got told not to do any strenuous activity for 24 hours, and I realised I would have to miss my Zumba class tonight! 
Hmmm not the best behaviour the day before weigh in (again) but at least this time I can feel pleased that today I did something good.
I saved lives today.