Lightbulbs

So, some of you may remember a wee post I did the other day when I wrote a letter to my inner child.  I thought she was hurt, and scared, and acting out... and I was determined to get to the bottom of why she acted out with Food, and what I could do to help her... I thought we'd come to an understanding. Well since then, ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE. 
I'm talking no exercise, bulk chocolate & lollies, and even Pizza... HOLY CRAP!


I was just in the shower, berating myself for letting this happen again.. and BAM! out of nowhere it hit me. It wasn't her after all... it was me.


You know as a child, and any of you who are Mum's will know even better, than when a child is hurt, scared, tired, ratty.. we try to soothe them. The crying or screaming sounds are painful to us, we don't want to hear it, so we ssshh, and rock, and sing... and when they don't stop, we revert to treats.


Yes Folks, it dawned on me that it is not my inner child craving th chocolate, or even wanting the chocolate. My inner child in calling out, crying, screaming for me to hear her, and I find it uncomfortable so I shove a pile of junk food down her throat in hopes it will quiet her down for a while, because I DON'T WANNA LISTEN.

What is it that I don't wanna hear? What is it that I don't want to face, or take ownership for? She is stuck in time warp where she believes the things she heard as a child.  Let me make this clear right off the bat, I am not about to start bashing my parents for anything they may have said or did when I was growing up. This is not their doing. 
I developed my own beliefs, and my own self worth, from my own perception of what I saw around me.  I will say that there are a few people that over my childhood (and I'm counting up to the age of 18) that definitely skewed my take on the world, and I somehow let them convince me that I was not worthy of the life that I dreamed off.... and she still believes it.  I still believe it.

I have to convince this little girl that this body she was given is worth respecting. That her mind has got the capability to take her anywhere, and she is loveable no matter what.  Everyone makes mistakes, and it's how you rise from them that determines how far you go. 


So, we are making progress. I now need to recognise when I want to scoff a bag of Jelly snakes, that it is not the Snakes that I want, its that she is having an emotion, and expressing something that I don't want to hear or acknowledge - and I need to take time everyday to listen to her.


I am a bit scared of what she is going to say. I mean it's easier to blame so and so from when I was 14, than it is to acknowledge my own part in the whole thing. 

Ok, so now here is the hard bit. The actual putting it out there. Please don't judge me (Wooooah as I wrote that I realised that THAT IS what I am afraid of - being judged). Ok here goes.... What I (we) really believe is that if I reach my goal weight, If I get thin, If I get sexy ... I will get unwanted attention, the kind of attention I got in the past, the kind that leads to trouble.  You can read between the lines. Maybe soon I will be brave enough to actually say it, to type the words that I have never ever been able to write or speak before.


The thing is I have something now that I didn't have before. I have a husband who loves me for who I am. He's loved me thin, He's loved me fat. He loves me when I'm crazy, he loves me when I'm so stressed that I bitch at him constantly (maybe not so much then). He saw the real me, and found something lovable about it. Maybe one day he will finally get me to see what that is.


So what started as a quick shower to wash my hair and shave my legs, has resulted in me sitting on the floor of my bedroom, typing frantically with tears rolling down my face. ... I think I may have hit a nerve.


I'll be honest - I am petrified of hitting 'publish' on this one, even more so of 'share'.  I think I will start with the 12WBT girls first, they won't judge. 


Who would have thought that a weight loss challenge could turn you inside out like this, but it reminds me of one of my favourite movie quotes :
 'Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation' eatpraylove